Have We Ruined Love?

An AI-generated image of flowers and candles.

"Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude... Love never ends." Thanks to the industrial-wedding complex, these words from 1st Corinthians may be the best-known words from the Christian bible in the secular world. But are they true?

They are certainly aspirational but more likely belong in a rom-com script than in a wedding ceremony. It does not surprise me that so many marriages end in a culture that celebrates the romantic aspects of love without exploring the work of it. (Writer's Note" I was originally going to use the word fail but then realized my own bias and judgement. Ending a marriage is not necessarily a failure, and no one should be looked down upon for having the courage to end a relationship that no longer works.)

So, what is love if not patient and kind? I would argue that of course love is rooted patience and kindness but would add that love--like writing--is a practice. It is something that we have to return to, day after day, knowing we did not get it right but wanting to do better. I would argue that love is learning to not listen to the stories in your head that you tell yourself about your partner. Not about what they did, but about why they did it. How many arguments have I started over the years because I was ruminating on something with a long, totally made-up backstory and then set out to find evidence to prove my story right? I would happily take every one of those arguments back, in retrospect, but it's always too late once I come to my senses. Love is learning to apologize and mean it.

Love is learning to release hurt for the sake of moving forward. This does not mean remaining silent, or accepting unacceptable behaviors, but it does mean we need to acknowledge that, intentional or not, the people we love will do things that cause us pain. It is so easy to wallow in that pain and irritation, but you cannot live there.

Love is cleaning up vomit at two am when your kid is sick without resentment at your kid or your partner who is still comfortably asleep in your bed.

Love is parenting your parents (or in-laws) when they can no longer manage life on their own.

Love is transcendent and breathtaking and addictive. It is also scary (you can get lost in it), messy, painful and heartbreaking. And love always ends in heartbreak and loss. But we cannot live without it.

Let's not reduce it to just romance. We will all be better off.

In my novel Love: a novel of grief & desire, Ed is talking with one of his late wife's close friends about the complexity of a long-term relationship. When the friend says that it was obvious that Ed and Lisa were in love, Ed responds by acknowledging that they both wondered, at times, if love was enough. Jane answers "You only wonder that when you are in love. You know love is enough when you are not."

We cannot abide cruelty. Give blood, donate to your local domestic violence shelter or food pantry or charity of your choice. Tithe to the universe.

See more about my books and blog at www.jeffersonblackburnsmith.com

Win a free Kindle edition of Love: a novel of grief and desire: I work with Reader's Favorite on the Kindle book giveaway. Go to https://readersfavorite.com/book-giveaway/love/1 to sign up for the monthly giveaway. You can scroll through the list of giveaways (over 500 each month) or sort the list by title or author to find Love: a novel of grief and desire and put your name in for this month's drawing. Good luck!